Dear Jessica,

I found you on the internet. I met you at pride. I met you again at a party you invited me to which I assumed would be uneventful but turned out to be the most fun I've had in FOREVER. I love your friends, I'm glad they like me too. You make me comfortable to be Ally, you make me happy to wake up, especially when it's you that's beside me. The way I feel when you hug and hold and kiss me is such a unique thing. I can honestly say that I've never felt this thing that is real and pure and comforting with ANYBODY else. I think you're awesome, and I'm super glad that you asked me to be your girlfriend in your adorably awkward way.

I love you. You make me very happy.

Love, Peachcans (Ally)

I'm single.

Have been for about a week and a half. It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around especially considering it was my own fault.

Back to the drawing board!

You know I love you, I really do
But I can't fight anymore for you
And I don't know, maybe we'll be together again
Sometime, in another life
In another life (another life)

Peachcans wonders what she's doing wrong...

mood: blah music: Paper Planes (DFA Remix) - M.I.A.

In times of goodness and unadulterated joy I end up questioning myself and all things around me. Some view this as an insulting display of distrust or doubt, but in reality it's my insecurites overwhelming and getting the best of me.

For example, I'm currently in one of the healthiest and mutually loving relationships I ever could have imagined. Most people could open themselves up to the kind of hurt that could result in the end of that relationship, just to allow themselves the deepest pleasure from it while it flourishes. No fear. No expectation of pain. I can't do that.

I expect the worst, hope for the best. It's the way my, and countless others' minds work... I just wish it wasn't so. In my desperate attempt to protect myself, and wrap the hypothetical security blanket around my heart, I end up pushing away the one(s) that are most deserving of my trust and draw the ones I should be weary of in closer.

This in many ways is an apology. To the ones who have dealt with my subconcious rejection and felt the distance of a million walls between us. You don't, didn't, and never will deserve to feel that way, especially not because of the actions of some careless tramp before you.

I love you all, and these thoughts have been pending in my head for a couple weeks, I just couldn't find the words to spit them out.

Peachcans hopes this never happens again...

location: Home mood: exhausted music: Daniel - Bat For Lashes

Ally says:
*knock knock
Taj says:
*WHOS THERE!?
Ally says:
*NOBODY
Taj says:
*I'M GONNA DIE ALONE

*Falls off chair laughing*

location: The floor, laughing mood: amused music: Stranded - Heart

Now I know nobody (with the exception of maybe Tanja) actually READS this here journal, but WOW, I need to update.

So remember this girl I mentioned in the previous post (almost a year ago)? Well... her and I actually DID get together. Four months after our little mini party on New Year's Eve of 2007. We were together for like a year-ish, but it wasn't one of those easy, straightforward relationships.

It was one of those retarded "let's be in an open relationship so I can fuck other guys and maintain a small sliver of hope that I might NOT be gay" relationships. You know the deal, right?

To this day I can't exactly describe how I feel about it ending, or how I feel about it ever happening in the first place. Sometimes I can't even believe her and I actually got together at all, I mean, you saw my struggle to keep my hands to myself in the previous entry... it seemed like it would be one of those things that you sort of fantasize and forget about, you deal with it, you stay friends, you do SOMETHING. Well. I gave her an ultimatum, and that's what started all of this.

I won't rewind and go into detail, because as you know long-term relationships are a difficult thing to relive once they're over and painful. I hoped for a happy ending, but it wasn't planning on happening any time soon with this particular girl. I've dated about 5 girls since then, none of which have worked out (note to self: say a hearty "FUCK YOU" to PlentyOfFish). I'll keep trying I guess, and you'll be sure to know if and when I find somebody new.

Anyways, faithful reader(s), that's that. I hope you appreciate my little update, I'm going to sincerely try to maintain this journal a bit better. Lord knows I should do it for my own sake, but what can I say, I'm not much for talking these days.

KEEP IT DIRTAY!

Peach E. Cans

location: Home mood: mellow music: Fat Bottom Girls - Queen

I'm so screwed! It's great to ring in the new year with someone who is awesome and someone you can relate to and get along with, right? But what happens when they're 10 years older than you and all you can think of is "Oh, god. Please. At midnight, please let them kiss me. Just once."

What is going on in my damn head? It's one of those issues where you want to be able to touch this person like any other friend, but every time you do, you whip your hand back in frustration because you swear to heaven almighty that in that smallest of touches they can sense everything you have ever felt for them. Of course, that's usually not even close to the case, especially after six glasses of wine and you're laying on the floor together anyways.

Still.

I'm frustrating myself, again. Rah rah rah. What can I do about it? I feel what I feel. Here are some lyrics I'll toss at you as a distraction while I sneakily run off to get some coffee.

( Well here's to living in the moment... )

Peachcans is make believing that something can for once be real...

mood: anxious music: Jimmy Eat World - Carry You

Yargh, tough times lately. Haven't updated in forever so I hope that this poem I'm very happy with will make up for it.

( I don’t know how to say 'I-Want-This-Shit-To-End.' Since losing you isn’t the same as losing just a friend... )
Author: A. Stewart

Peachcans is sick, tired and anxious for school...

mood: discontent music: Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's

RAH. My luck has been FANTASTIC for the past two weeks. Until this week. Argh. Okay, so rather than beefing up my sentences with adjectives and stuff, I'm just gonna write a list of shit I did today that went HORRIBLY WRONG.

1. Thought I missed my bus, crossed the street. In doing that I slipped and fell, cracked my right toes and twisted my left ankle.


2. Bus actually came a couple minutes late so I ran to get it, luckily it stopped for me.


3. Went to catch bus #33 to get to school, the bus literally GLIDES past me down the snow-covered hill


4. Once I got to school 7 minutes later for a 2 minute RIDE, I went to cross the street (the glowing white man told me to) and a truck had trouble stopping, and came within inches of bopping me to the ground.


5. School goes okay, I trip a couple times.


6. The one final thing that made me snap; I brushed my hair back into a PERFECT ponytail, I took the elastic to tie it back and BAM! the elastic fucking broke. *ROAR*

And that was my day.

Peachcans offers free life lessons for only $9.99...

mood: sore music: Foxy Foxy - Rob Zombie

I miss you, Tee... there hasn't been a day yet that I haven't thought about you. It still hurts all the time, but I'm growing to accept my loss more and more each day. Needless to say, though... I'm still mad at you. I still can't believe you'd do that to your mother, least of all me. I always thought we meant something to you, but now... both of us have nothing. You're gone for good and my brain, totally inept to understand the concept of death and passing, can't understand. It feels like you'll come back in my heart, but my brain is using it's logic to deny me my hope. So again, I sit and cry alone, afraid to speak to my family about the fact that you're not here.

I hate crying. It makes me feel weak, like a 'girl'. I want to be so strong for everyone Tee. You don't get it. I want it to seem like I'm unphased by this happening, like it doesn't matter. I want my grandmother to talk to me again, outside of work, and pretend that I DO exist to other people. The longing I have right at this moment to hold some importance in this family is so great that I'm overwhelmed by the inferiority I feel. I feel like I've been replaced by someone who can no longer breathe to feel proud of it.

I miss my old life, I miss my Aurora home and my normal friends... I miss having something to smile for because my life was so good. Needless to say I still smile, and it irritates me to no end when people point out their displeasures with life; because they still have some small sliver of theirs left.

I lost mine the day you died.

( Hey down there.. )

mood: gloomy music: Dark Side of The Moon

gay, -er, -est, noun, adverb –adjective
1. having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music.
2. bright or showy: gay colors; gay ornaments.
3. given to or abounding in social or other pleasures: a gay social season.
4. homosexual.
5. of, indicating, or supporting homosexual interests or issues: a gay organization.
–noun 6. a homosexual person, esp. a male.
–adverb 7. in a gay manner.


...Now, tell me, do you see ANY sort of wording in there perhaps pertaining to "wrong", "stupid", or "pointless"? I sure as hell don't. To all you idiots who use Gay, Faggot, or Retard in ANY sort of negative sense; Well, fuck you. Even if it was an accident, fuck you. These words all have their own individual meanings and if you at any moment assume that they are to be used jokingly; look it up. I'll toss the fucking dictionary to you if you need it.

Get a life, get a thesaurus, a dictionary, get a grip.

In more specific terms, if you have known me for an extended period of time and yet still refrain from shutting up - you should know better. If you don't, well it's too bad for you then, isn't it? Apologies don't work when this cuts as deep as it does. Many people seem to assume that because the term 'gay' relates more often to men that it wouldn't offend me, or that I'm even joking when I tell them to shut up. Let me tell you something. Fuck off. It affects me more than you can guess.

I'm sick of this shit, it's a BAD trend, and I honestly wish that whoever started it would go suck back a jug of bleach, and hopefully die.

That's it.
PeachCans.

p.s. Any of you idiots who incline to tell me that when you say it you mean "happy" -- Check out the dictionary. Happy isn't 'dumb' either.

mood: enraged music: All Good Things Come To An End - Nelly Furtado

( Every now and then I feel the end of us... )


Long day at work on this dreary cold-ass mofo of a Saturday. My back, legs and about 70% of my muscle mass is aching pretty badly.

So yes, a small list of things I have done to injure myself in the past 48 hours:

• Fell down one step yesterday


• Fell down one step today.


• Fell off a milk crate today


• Got a cramp in my calf muscle, proceeded to jab it onto a corner of a motherfucking cardboard box


• Smashed my head on a shelf, twice


• Poked myself in the eye; dealt with the headache that followed


• Lifted a big case of chicken and pulled my back in some odd direction.

I know nobody honestly gives a fuck about this blog or any of its contents, etc. Nobody reads these lyrics I post, but I don't care. These are more personal reminders if anything at all. Now, for a small advertisement; if you haven't heard this album yet, you seriously need to. It's fantastic.


Peachcans gets the hell to bed...

p.s. Excuse my poor language, motherfuc*king as*swipe... excuse my poor censorsh*p.

mood: sore music: When Your Heart Stops Beating (Album) +44

Have you ever been so tempted just to TOUCH a person that you have to physically force yourself not to? Have you ever just looked at a person and seen perfection in their eyes? Ever wanted to? All my life I have wanted something as purely blissful as someone like...well, names are just words. They ruin the moment.

Every time I even look at you my insides heat up like a furnace and my face becomes flushed and I can't help but make dumb jokes and giggle. You probably have no clue, and if so then it'll stay that way unless YOU say something. I've learned the unpleasantries of rejection from my previous mistakes. And they are mistakes, because after I was let down I realized how much I DIDN'T like those people. If I never tell you how i feel then I will never have to feel anything bad for you. I'd prefer that.

I like you...lots. Ask my friends. Ask me. I'll tell you. If you'd let me. I'm to afraid to try first.

( How ever far away... )

Peachcans wonders how life will work out once high school is done...

mood: Lovestruck music: Death Goes To Disco - Goodnight Nurse

Hey friends, if you read this comment me and gimme your t-shirt size and preferred colour. As well, gimme some ideas for the design you would like. I found a wicked new way of making these.

Peachcans gets her creative juices bubblin'

Holy crap, I can't actually recall if I have posted these lyrics yet or not. They're amazing and even more applicable now though.

Here is "A Quitter" by Rasputina.
( Oh she was just a kid... )


Aside from that, how was your New years? Mine was good and I partied so hard we missed the countdown! I had a couple wine coolers and beat everyone's ass at Airhockey... giggled like a madman through the whole thing. I know what you're thinking; "Ah, what a lightweight!" Gimme a break though, I don't drink often.

Peachcans stayed up 'til 6AM and woke up at 4PM...

mood: calm music: Super Mario Techno Remix

Hey peeps, chickies and bestfriends evurr. Just wanna wish you some wickedly happy holidays regardless of how mine may turn out. I wanna let you know that you will indeed be getting Christmas gifts, but with a catch. Due to some potentially binding financialsh right now I won't be able to get you them BEFORE Christmas, but indeed at some point after. We will be making a few mall trips with small groups and basically this is how it will work; We go to the mall in leetle packages of people and you can simply wander about the stores and pick something you want ( preferably under $25). I, in my loving holiday spirit will purchase said item for you. Get it? YAY!

Anyways love you guys a lot, and seeya later.

Peachcans is...just... well, shes so SILLY.

p.s. All of the above is null and void when it comes to Jenn because I already got you a present. Yay.

mood: chipper music: Radio Ga Ga - Queen

YAY! PICCIES! ZOMGAWD *eggsh*

( Ally Travels (Slowly) To The Mall, And Home! )
<3 Luv ya CHIX! Oh my god when did I start typing like that? XD

Peachcans yawns from a total sleep-deficit.

location: Home. mood: tired music: The Open Door - Evanescence

Yaay! Got me a Digital Camera and I went kinda crazy with it at school today... I think I scared some people. Anyways, here are some pics of my very best friends, and there will be more tomorrow (I missed a few people today).

Enjoy! 


Sorry for the hugeness of the files, but I had limited time to post these. TTYL, COMMENT ME ON MY UBER KUL PHOTO SHNAPPING SHKILLZ.

location: My Haus. mood: lethargic music: My Cousin's Rap Crap. tags: friends, pictures

Wow, haven't posted in a while eh?

Heh. A lot of updates to give but not enough energy to type them out. Basically I told "Tony" all the magically pathetic things I feel for "him" and was pathetically (surprise, surprise) rejected like the fool I am. (God I hate having to fucking change your name, just fucking come out already you chicken shit.)

So anyways, I have some lyrics for you to read and enjoy. Happy Early Halloween folks, it's my fave holiday.
( She looks so good in red... )

I also wrote a comical poem.

( Heartbreak Adhesive )

Thank you! And goodnight.

Peachcans feels a little crooked.

location: Home, With My Sore Back And Broken Heart. mood: Alone music: American Nightmare - The Misfits